Contentment & gratitude in the here & now

So life went a bit crazy. We opened and this blog dried up through lack of attention. I started it initially to track and record what felt like it was going to be the most important season of my career and my life.

I couldnt have imagined in my wildest dreams how good it would be having my own space. Or how it would take up every waking hour of my time!

People followed me from studios, village halls, gyms and found me through word of mouth or social media. I have over 160 members now and twice that many who pay as they go. The studio has 7 teachers including me and we have 16 different types of classes. over 30 classes a week. And other people hire this lovely space for their wellness businesses. What a success story!

But it was only when I fell ill recently and ended up in hospital for five days that the true flavour of what I had created shone through.

My own teachers took on more work, other teachers from across Cardiff stepped up to help, students offered help and even tended to my lovely gardens (Roberta and Jonathan - thank you!). I had messages of love and support every day, and on my return gifts of flowers and books (what a complete joy 'Lessons in Chemistry' was that Daniela lent me). I was blown away. And I was over whelmed by the love that my husband gave me. I am a strong, resilient, independent woman that does not seem to create feelings of tenderness or caring in others. Men have never really felt the urge to take care of me. But the love and care my husband gave me when I needed it the most made my heart break. He was there for me every step of the way while my son took care of the studio.

This week as I returned to my mat after the longest time away since I qualified as a yoga teacher. I was terrified I would have forgotten how to move, breathe and teach. I felt weak and scared. I was fearful on Wednesday as I rolled out my mat to write my classes. I should not have worried.

As I sat with that blank sheet of paper in front of me, I came back to the theme I had chosen for August - Santosha, contentment. And as I simply let my body move, to flow without a plan or anything, complex, clever or tricky, I understood that true contentment didn’t come from struggling or over achieving, it came from noticing and being grateful for what I was doing in that moment.

Feeling muscles and bone move, feeling breath in my lungs, the ground beneath my hands and feet. No my alignment was not perfect, my strength not what it was, but I just felt so so good to be there doing what made me feel real, so me. The familiarity in the repetition of the movements, in the huge relief of softening, returning and slowing down, in noticing.

I often film myself as I practice so I can see how a flow or transition may work, and as my own teacher I correct so much - a spin of a heel, a depth of a twist, a rounding of the shoulders. As a self critical person I see the lack of perfection, the lack of flexibility in my spine, my extra body weight versus a few years back. And it’s this self criticism stops me from sharing my videos.

But this week as I moved on my mat, I didn’t think of any of this. Instead I celebrated having my health back and being able to do what I could in that moment. I did it consciously, moved like I meant it with total immersion and awareness of breath. And that, not perfection of alignment and achievement of crazy difficult poses, is the absolute definition of yoga.

So it’s that simplicity, that truth, that connection is what will flavour my classes next week too. A quiet steady rythmn to bring you home to yourself. Permission to enjoy the simplicity of breath, movement and stillness. Santosha - contentment in the here and now, gratitude for what we already have.

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